Josie proved to be both completely useless and not at all entertaining, but this obvious producer plant only made it as far as Farm Wants a Wife Episode 2. The rest of the house has now set its sights on Brooke and Lisa, although I can’t figure out why yet.

The girls are all washing Matt’s truck. Brooke and Lisa start a water fight with each other. Yet another reason for them to be hated for no reason.

Matt’s mom stops by to tell them they’re going to a quilting shop. Yeah, that’s apparently a real place. After a few people draw some blood, Krista wants to know how much the country sucks. Then the rest of the group jumps on Brooke for suggesting she has something in common with Matt and a connection with him.

It’s tractor time. Lisa is wearing her high heels to go riding. The challenge is to load all their hay bales on a tractor. Kanisha has trouble figuring out how to even get started. Lisa says she’s learned her lesson, a lesson I’d think she would have known before she got on the tractor. At the end, Krista and Brooke are neck and neck racing for the finish line. Just as she’s crossing the finish line, though, Krista drops a bale, which allows Brooke to pass her to win the challenge.

Then it’s time for some barbeque and some arguing about why people hate Brooke. Matt says that the most important quality is attitude and that he doesn’t have a lot of duds in the pack of girls he’s been given to choose from (oh, he’s definitely been given his share).

Brooke’s told that she’s fake and putting on a front. Christa says the reason she doesn’t like Brooke is because Brooke is a smitten kitten, that only Christa is allowed to have feelings for him, and that she’s upset because Brooke ruined her date with Matt somehow. Too much whining going on here.

Everybody heads to the river, and Matt tells them to make sure they bring their bikinis. The conversation leads to more Brooke bashing: everybody is not the same person they appear to be in front of him. Krista raises additional concerns, this time about working on the farm with Matt. The more reserved girls Ashley and Amanda are growing on him. When they all jump in the water, there’s some horsing around. Matt apologizes for hitting Krista with his big piece of wood.

Matt has decided to give the safe girl a gift. He gives Brooke a belt. Krista’s immediately jealous and more bitter. Can anyone whose name ends in rista just be kicked off this show already?

The elimination will be embroidered. The first three letters are A, S, and I. Lisa, Christa, and Krista know they’re on the chopping block. An R follows this. Lisa is safe. Krista knows it’s her, and with good reason. Matt feels like he was boring her. She takes one last parting shot at Brooke.

He picks Amanda to go on the one-on-one date. They’re going to his parents’ house to have dinner. Great first date idea. She says she’d definitely consider being on the farm. She likes that Matt is… hot. She also likes the family and his personality. He feels she fit in so well with them. When they return, a spying Kanisha sees the kissing.

After everybody else goes to sleep, Brooke and Lisa sneak out. They don’t know if they’re going to be killed or not, but they go to see him at his house. The two stalkers managed to find him from magazines he left at the house. They’re hoping that the other girls won’t sway his decision and want him to know that. Once they leave, they’re not sure whether they just screwed themselves or not.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another recap of Farmer Wants a Wife episode 4, which airs Wednesday at 9/8c on The CW.

Despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that Josie is clearly a producer plant, Matt chose to eliminate Stephanie in Farmer Wants a Wife Episode 1 instead.

Brooke and Lisa get along because they’re bible thumpers. Christa’s still bitter that they TP’d Matt’s truck.

Matt arrives the next morning to the girls cooking breakfast. One of the blonde girls (if that narrows it down any) says it’s a little boring in the country. Josie has to be instructed to wear a bra.

It’s time to go smell some manure on a pig farm. Who’s ready to get down and dirty? They have to clean the pigs up for the fair to get them looking nice. Apparently they can tell the difference. Stacey loves pigs and is excited. Josie (again) is being a party pooper, and Lisa’s joining in. Chasing after a pig, Stacey slams her head into a wooden beam. She keeps on ticking, and Matt takes notice.

Afterwards, they get cleaned up, and Matt just has to take his shirt off. Kanisha takes the opportunity to clean his (already clean) back. Josie asks him if she wants to test drive the product before he gets married, or if he wants to marry a virgin. His answer is that he’d like to wait, which Lisa appreciates.

Matt goes to see Stacey and check on how she’s doing after having bumped her head. He gives her the option to sit out, but she wants to do the best she can, so she heads out to the challenge. They’ll be milking goats, painting a cow, and cleaning the stalls. Josie calls Matt a son of a bitch for expecting them to participate in these challenges. Lisa is the first one to finish milking the cow. Ashley is next. Krista is in third but is first to paint the cow. Josie ain’t even trying. Krista also finishes the manure cleanup first, and she is safe.

Lisa is frustrated because Matt’s not really communicating with her. A couple ladies agree with her. Christa is still whining.

Matt takes the girls to play Bingo. Josie doesn’t want to sit at the same table with anyone who doesn’t love George Bush. She’s causing problems as usual, letting it be known she won’t marry a man who won’t support her financially and allow her to be lazy. Lisa’s bored after 5 minutes and drags Matt off to the bar. Some of the others don’t like this move and go to the bar to drag them both back.

Each of the girls gets a chance to speak in front of the town and tell them a bit about themselves. Amanda says she’s a bit more reserved than some of the others. Ashley wants to be with someone who’s her best friend. Brooke had boots before and didn’t just buy clothes to go to the farm. Lisa is preaching.

And now it’s time to let somebody go. He sends the girls back to the bar and asks for opinions. Lisa and Josie get the most negative reaction. Only one person won’t get Bingo in this special game, the girl who’s going back to the city. Josie has been sent packing. She responds that he’s too cheap and doesn’t have anything to offer a woman. She refuses to leave until he gives her a present. He offers to mail it to her, but she doesn’t care. Just get out of here already. At least she only lasted two episodes more than she should have.

The drama’s not done yet, though. When the girls get home, she’s still refusing to leave without a gift, saying that the police will have to escort her out. Someone just tranquilize her. They must have some drugs they use on out of control cows. This is seriously pathetic. She’s had her 15 minutes of fame, and she’s really not interesting enough to warrant any more. She makes the guy driving her home call Matt. He tells her he hasn’t had time to get a gift and is busy preparing for his date. She doesn’t care and will wait for him. She stays out there until the cows come home and finally takes the hint, calling him a cheap bastard. Everyone’s happy to see her go home. Don’t invite her back to the finale.

The girls who don’t get to go on the date decide to go out to a bar because they’re getting stir crazy. Adapt or go back home to the city. Most of them hang out together. Lisa and Brooke hang out with the locals, and the others take offense to them getting to know the townspeople.

Stacey is picked for the one-on-one date. They’ll be watching a movie with a barn for a screen. He tells her that it’s not an issue that she’s not a virgin. He gets to learn a lot about her. A real lot. She refuses to shut up. Once he says he’s heard enough about her, he asks about the house, where she takes a swing at the bible buddies.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another recap of Farmer Wants a Wife episode 3 Wet ‘n Wild, which airs Wednesday at 9/8c on The CW.

The writers’ strike presented a unique opportunity for some offbeat reality shows to make their appearance. Granted, this is The CW we’re talking about here, so offbeat or not they’re gonna give anything a shot (for one season anyway). And that’s where Farmer Wants a Wife comes in.

Matt, a good looking buff small town farmer with a college education and over 2000 acres of land is looking for a wife, but his small town of Portage Des Sioux, Missouri (population 351) doesn’t offer him anything. So of course, the solution to that is to go on reality TV and meet some city girls who are sick of city guys. Oh yeah, I’m expecting a high cheese factor here.

He’s hoping for someone physically and mentally strong, a best friend who can pull the plow alongside him. The cast of 10 potential mates includes:

Amanda: 21, Poughkeepsie NY, Student
Ashley: 27, Wells Beach ME, Sales Manager
Brooke: 23, Dallas TX, Marketing Representative
Christa: 22, Cincinnati OH, Personal Assistant
Josie: 25, Laguna Niguel CA, Math/Tennis Teacher
Kanisha: 25, Ontario CA, Property Management
Krista: 24, Kelley IA, Accountant
Lisa: 21, Los Angeles CA, Singer/Dancer/Street Performer
Stacey: 25, Owings Mills MD, Sales & Marketing
Stephanie: 23, Boston MA, Jeweler

Lisa tells us she’s a virgin, as does Brooke. Josie says she’s a 10+. Not sure what scale that’s based on, but I’m assuming it’s a broken scale. Her theory is that the farmer’s wife doesn’t work. Texas girl Brooke already has the accent down. Christa’s a party animal who stays up all night long. Night owl + farm = bad math. Stacey is high maintenance but apparently unconcerned she won’t be able to get a pedicure on the farm.

Everybody in town is buzzing. All couple hundred of them. The women land, and there’s nothing as far as the eye can see. Christa doesn’t quite get why the other girls are wearing high heels to the farm. Their tranportation is a school bus driven by Matt’s friend Jason, and some of them have no problem expressing their disgust when they believe Jason’s the farmer and at the luxury transportation they’ve been given.

Matt’s mom is a city girl, who moved to the farm because she fell in love with a farmer.

Stephanie doesn’t like the house. It’s not her style, but maybe she could get used to it… but it’s not her style… but maybe she could get used to it. Josie’s got some plans when she sees the house: cause a flood and collect insurance because the whole thing needs to be renovated anyway. Even worse news, there’s no maid to clean up after her.

Stephanie has never seen a chicken not carved up into little nuggets, and she’s afraid they’ll peck her eyes out. She has less luck with the cows, as she steps in a surprise. Krista and Kanisha want to play with the chickens, though.

Josie tells the girls money is more important than love. She hopes to piss them off by acting like an asshat. Yeah, it’s not much of an act.

Matt got a call from a friend Frannie who needs some help, so they’re all going out to help her out because in the country people actually help each other. The chickens have to go to market, meaning they’ll need to be couped up. Whoever coups the most chickens is safe from elimination. Stephanie’s particularly unimpressed, but she manages to get over it. Josie doesn’t believe any respectable woman will chase chickens like that.

Stephanie: 4
Christa: 7
Josie: 0
Brooke: 6
Lisa: 6
Amanda: 7
Stacey: 3
Ashley: 6
Krista: 10
Kanisha: 10

Both of them aren’t safe. Instead, they’re going to have a pointless coup off. As if either of them is in danger of going home after this effort. Kanisha manages to win this coup off, and she has immunity.

Brooke’s already smitten. It’s a bit early for that, and the other girls are giving her trouble over it.

Following the running around after a bunch of chickens, they all go on a hayride. Brooke is a nanny and loves kids, something Matt agrees with her on. Matt doesn’t do boxers or briefs. He hasn’t found a big use for underwear. Stephanie’s weighing her options and not real sure if she wants to be a farmer’s wife. Matt thinks Josie’s just a little bit insane. He’s underestimating her. She’s bored and pissed off about this date. Kanisha’s tired of that bitch.

The women all wear black to mourn the passing of one of their own, though they’d jump up and down if it were Josie. Whoever doesn’t have an egg under their chicken is going home. Stephanie’s the one who is eliminated. A fair decision, but let’s get real here. Josie’s the best example of joke casting ever. The producers couldn’t possibly have taken this chick seriously, and I find it hard to believe Matt does either without their intervention. Keeping her around is all about ratings (don’t worry… ratings won’t come whether she’s gone or not).

One person will get a one-on-one date, and Matt picks Christa. He’s got a canopy with candles and a rocking park bench. She manages to be a little girly, even though she’s not a big fan of the being girly. While they’re gone, some of the other girls play a prank and TP his truck, but they get busted in the middle of it.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another recap of Farmer Wants a Wife episode 2 Pigs and Cows and Sheep… Oh My, which airs Wednesday at 9/8c on The CW.