Farmer Wants a Wife Episode 1

The writers’ strike presented a unique opportunity for some offbeat reality shows to make their appearance. Granted, this is The CW we’re talking about here, so offbeat or not they’re gonna give anything a shot (for one season anyway). And that’s where Farmer Wants a Wife comes in.

Matt, a good looking buff small town farmer with a college education and over 2000 acres of land is looking for a wife, but his small town of Portage Des Sioux, Missouri (population 351) doesn’t offer him anything. So of course, the solution to that is to go on reality TV and meet some city girls who are sick of city guys. Oh yeah, I’m expecting a high cheese factor here.

He’s hoping for someone physically and mentally strong, a best friend who can pull the plow alongside him. The cast of 10 potential mates includes:

Amanda: 21, Poughkeepsie NY, Student
Ashley: 27, Wells Beach ME, Sales Manager
Brooke: 23, Dallas TX, Marketing Representative
Christa: 22, Cincinnati OH, Personal Assistant
Josie: 25, Laguna Niguel CA, Math/Tennis Teacher
Kanisha: 25, Ontario CA, Property Management
Krista: 24, Kelley IA, Accountant
Lisa: 21, Los Angeles CA, Singer/Dancer/Street Performer
Stacey: 25, Owings Mills MD, Sales & Marketing
Stephanie: 23, Boston MA, Jeweler

Lisa tells us she’s a virgin, as does Brooke. Josie says she’s a 10+. Not sure what scale that’s based on, but I’m assuming it’s a broken scale. Her theory is that the farmer’s wife doesn’t work. Texas girl Brooke already has the accent down. Christa’s a party animal who stays up all night long. Night owl + farm = bad math. Stacey is high maintenance but apparently unconcerned she won’t be able to get a pedicure on the farm.

Everybody in town is buzzing. All couple hundred of them. The women land, and there’s nothing as far as the eye can see. Christa doesn’t quite get why the other girls are wearing high heels to the farm. Their tranportation is a school bus driven by Matt’s friend Jason, and some of them have no problem expressing their disgust when they believe Jason’s the farmer and at the luxury transportation they’ve been given.

Matt’s mom is a city girl, who moved to the farm because she fell in love with a farmer.

Stephanie doesn’t like the house. It’s not her style, but maybe she could get used to it… but it’s not her style… but maybe she could get used to it. Josie’s got some plans when she sees the house: cause a flood and collect insurance because the whole thing needs to be renovated anyway. Even worse news, there’s no maid to clean up after her.

Stephanie has never seen a chicken not carved up into little nuggets, and she’s afraid they’ll peck her eyes out. She has less luck with the cows, as she steps in a surprise. Krista and Kanisha want to play with the chickens, though.

Josie tells the girls money is more important than love. She hopes to piss them off by acting like an asshat. Yeah, it’s not much of an act.

Matt got a call from a friend Frannie who needs some help, so they’re all going out to help her out because in the country people actually help each other. The chickens have to go to market, meaning they’ll need to be couped up. Whoever coups the most chickens is safe from elimination. Stephanie’s particularly unimpressed, but she manages to get over it. Josie doesn’t believe any respectable woman will chase chickens like that.

Stephanie: 4
Christa: 7
Josie: 0
Brooke: 6
Lisa: 6
Amanda: 7
Stacey: 3
Ashley: 6
Krista: 10
Kanisha: 10

Both of them aren’t safe. Instead, they’re going to have a pointless coup off. As if either of them is in danger of going home after this effort. Kanisha manages to win this coup off, and she has immunity.

Brooke’s already smitten. It’s a bit early for that, and the other girls are giving her trouble over it.

Following the running around after a bunch of chickens, they all go on a hayride. Brooke is a nanny and loves kids, something Matt agrees with her on. Matt doesn’t do boxers or briefs. He hasn’t found a big use for underwear. Stephanie’s weighing her options and not real sure if she wants to be a farmer’s wife. Matt thinks Josie’s just a little bit insane. He’s underestimating her. She’s bored and pissed off about this date. Kanisha’s tired of that bitch.

The women all wear black to mourn the passing of one of their own, though they’d jump up and down if it were Josie. Whoever doesn’t have an egg under their chicken is going home. Stephanie’s the one who is eliminated. A fair decision, but let’s get real here. Josie’s the best example of joke casting ever. The producers couldn’t possibly have taken this chick seriously, and I find it hard to believe Matt does either without their intervention. Keeping her around is all about ratings (don’t worry… ratings won’t come whether she’s gone or not).

One person will get a one-on-one date, and Matt picks Christa. He’s got a canopy with candles and a rocking park bench. She manages to be a little girly, even though she’s not a big fan of the being girly. While they’re gone, some of the other girls play a prank and TP his truck, but they get busted in the middle of it.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another recap of Farmer Wants a Wife episode 2 Pigs and Cows and Sheep… Oh My, which airs Wednesday at 9/8c on The CW.

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