Big Brother 13 Episode 1

So far, 8 contestants of the Big Brother 13 cast have been revealed:

Adam Poch
Cassi Colvin
Dominic Briones
Kalia Booker
Keith Henderson
Lawon Exum
Porsche Briggs
Shelly Moore

They will be joined by 6 additional mystery contestants, pairs from past seasons. No official word yet who those people will be, but based on CBS’ teaser list of possible contestants, prepare to I’m sure somebody’s going to be pissed off (me, for starters).

Evel Dick and his daughter Daniele. Yeah, good luck in a season that America isn’t rigging for you. Brendon & Rachel. They probably have as good a shot at sticking together as any reality show couple, but that doesn’t make them any less annoying. Will & Boogie, okay, they’re masterminds. Too bad Will claims he’s not doing the show this year. Hayden & Enzo. I’ve gotta give credit to the Brigade alliance for what they accomplished (based on everybody else being morons, but props nonetheless). Jeff & Jordan. Big Brother and then Amazing Race. Yeah, I’m over them. They’re no Rob & Amber. Lastly, Jessie & Natalie. Don’t know how they would plan to fit E.D.’s ego in the same house with Jessie.

This will not end well. All Stars sucked (thanks, idiots from season 6). Half Stars can’t be any better, particularly since most of these people suck at the game.

In addition to the fact that three preexisting pairs are coming back, the other eight will be forced to join

Dominic loves doing crazy things and getting his blood pumping. He’s only slowed down by living with his mom. Cassi loves country music, fishing, and beer. Lawon has loud and bold style. Keith is a youth minister who chases girls when he’s not in church. Shelly believes in looking like a lady, acting like a man, and working in like a dog. Adam loves heavy metal but embraces his feminine side and loves Beverly Hills 90210. Kalia has the gift of gab and believes like she’s really like good with words. Porsche is a VIP waitress. So basically a hooker like Janelle, who she happens to know.

Keith will not be leaving home without his bible. Adam does not want religion shoved down his throat. Kalia really loves sex. Dominic is a virgin and plans to remain that way. Shelly doesn’t plan to clean up after anyone, even mama’s boy Dominic, but being the mom in the house is a great strategy. It’s not as if they have anything else to do anyway.

The first four to enter the house are Porsche, Dominic, Lawon, and Shelly. They get their pick of rooms, and the guys end up bunking with each other while the girls go find their own pink room. Shelly thinks Porsche sounds like a stripper name. Cassi, Kalia, Keith, and Adam enter next.

They do the math. 12 place settings, 10 beds, 8 people.

Keith pretends he’s a matchmaker, and he wants the women to feel comfortable going to him. Porsche pretends she’s a student because her job (waitress) is “too luxurious.” I don’t think anybody’s going to believe she goes to school. Continuing the trend, Cassi pretends she’s not a model, although Dominic immediately says he is.

Instead of two individual houseguests being nominated, one duo will be nominated each week, at least until the twist falls apart and flat on its face. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Keith promptly asks Porsche to be his partner. Apparently, he believes Julie’s instructions were to pick a prom date. Shelly and Cassi are similar in that they are southern tomboys, so they team up. Adam then asks Dominic, who supposes he has no choice but to say yes. By default, Kalia ends up with Lawon, and she ain’t happy because it’s not like this is a guy that can fly under the radar.

The eight make an agreement to stick together against the others. That won’t last.

The doorbell rings. Here comes the lousy news. Rachel & Brendon are the first returning couple. Rachel’s voice is already echoing through the house. Oh, and they’re engaged. Next up, Jeff & Jordan. Not that they need to be back, but I suppose I don’t mind them. Looking at the list, I’m comfortable with any of these couples returning other than Daniele and Evel Richard. Please don’t tell me they’re the third couple. Oh god. Kill me now. Hopefully one of the twists this season is that these two get slapped around. Repeatedly.

E.D. introduces himself as the only winner in the house. You’re forgetting Jordan, who not only won but actually played a good game. In spite of how “touching” season 8 was, he and his daughter (who’s no longer a blonde) haven’t spoken in 3 years (again). Shocker.

Walking into the back yard, they are greeted by some big bananas. Each duo must hold their bananas as long as possible. Last one standing will be the new HOH, giving them and their partner safety for the week. Shelly is the first one to drop, and she doesn’t want it anyway. Jordan falls, which does not surprise either her or Jeff. Keith drops. Then goes Cassi. And Lawon. Adam is the next to fall. The new contestants are falling like flies. Jeff is next to go, followed closely by Dominic. Brendon falls. Kalia falls, leaving Porsche as the only hope the newbies have. The chocolate’s been flowing for a while, so here comes the whipped cream. Porsche drops. Rachel tells Dick and Daniele they’re safe if they fall. He agrees. His daughter reluctantly follows suit. Rachel wins HOH.

Time for one last twist. Hopefully this one does not suck. Whoever survives the nominations will receive the Big Brother golden key, which guarantees them a spot in the top 10, meaning safety until week 5. Those people will not participate in any competitions, but they will still have a vote. For a change, this is an actually interesting twist, bringing a new element of strategy to the game. I take it this also means the stupid duo twist will be dead in a month. Of course, the flaw in this is that there’s an immediate restriction of people to nominate. As it is, the choices are cut in half by the duo twist. Add to it the key twist, and the number of possible nominations in week 4 dwindles to 3.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another live recap of Big Brother 13 Episode 2, which airs Sunday at 8/7c on CBS.

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