The X Factor Season 1 Episode 1

For the first time in more than a decade, it’s been well over a year since we’ve seen Simon Cowell in primetime. Unless you count his appearance on Britain’s Got Talent complete with Superman theme playing in the background. Tonight marks Simon’s return to Fox primetime with American Idol Plus. He insists it’s a different show, although he’s not quite sure how. One thing we know is that there’s at least one judge who doesn’t suck (and one who does), a nice change of pace from the epic judging disaster that was the most recent season of American Idol.

Joining Simon at the judges’ table are his babbling sidekick for years Paula Abdul (after her dance show failed miserably), music producer L.A. Reid, and Pussycat Dolls Nicole Scherzinger (replacing the too heavily accented Cheryl Cole). Along with them will be host Steve Jones, whoever that is. The prize at the end is a massive $5 million recording contract.

The competition is open to people of any age 12 and older and can be soloists or groups. There will be four categories of acts: boys, girls, over 30s, and groups. Each of the judges will mentor one category.

Los Angeles is the first audition city, and back then Cheryl Cole was still a judge. I don’t have a problem with her accent, even if it may potentially require a subtitle here and there. A minimum of three yes votes are necessary to advance.

Rachel Crow’s sister says she’s crazy for singing all the time. After warming up the judges with some jokes, she sings Mercy by Duffy. At just 13, she’s very comfortable up there. Paula is blown away. LA says she has everything every artist he’s ever signed has. Simon calls her the reason they were right to lower the age limit.

Terrell Carter, Ellona Santiago, and John Lindall are the next to advance.

So it’s time for a trainwreck. Siameze Floyd claims he’s straight and can sing. I don’t believe either of those claims. Simon calls him a fascinating Artist formerly known as Prince (is he Prince again, or does he go by that stupid symbol still?) copycat. Simon, Paula, and Cheryl say yes. Really? Interestingly, though, he would prove a good distraction for whoever gets stuck with him, which could in theory add an element of sabotage to the picks.

Aged married duo Dan and Venita are the first duet. Simon asks where they’ll be in 5 years time. Assuming the grim reaper is not an obstacle, they plan to be in a mobile home and playing in the most beautiful senior centers across the country. Simon was terrified.

You Only Live Once apparently features the weird screaming girl from America’s Got Talent. White haired Linda Ostrofsky (who goes by Jetta because there’s always a bunch of Lindas) sings a song about touching herself.

Simone Battle wants fans so she can sign their babies. She says she’s fierce, which I take as a bad sign. Her sound: a threesome between a cheerleader, a hipster, and a drag queen. I don’t want to see that either, but the judges love her for some reason, aside from the only guy on the panel who seems to care about talent, LA Reid. Minus the dancing and fast beat, though, her singing voice is not bad.

Stacy Francis has believed she’s too old for 12 years. She sings one of the best renditions of Natural Woman. LA says she stirred his spirit and raised the hair on his arms. Simon calls it one of the best auditions ever.

Next we head to Seattle, where Nicole Scherzinger joins the judging panel. Like Cheryl Cole, who was discovered on Popstars: The Rivals, Nicole was discovered on the short lived Popstars on The WB, forming the just as short lived girl group Eden’s Crush. Somehow, The WB missed the mark with that show and perhaps the opportunity to be a fifth major network, as one year later Simon Fuller ripped it off and turned it into American Idol, the biggest show on television for a decade, before later claiming Simon Cowell ripped him off for X Factor.

Geo Godley sings an original song about being a stud. Then he starts stripping, as the women scream in terror, and finally Paula walks off stage to upchuck her liquid lunch.

Marcus Canty has been given 2 years by his mother to chase his dream before he has to go get in debt for life getting a degree. LA Reid compares him to Bobby Brown. Simon’s surprised this song turned out to be good, and he reminds him of Usher.

The Answer is a boy band from Utah. Their answer is 4 yeses.

Nici Collins has a goal of scaring household pets. T for Two is a less worse mother and daughter duo. Darren Michaels is not sure whether Simon’s comment about a nightmare is good or bad.

Chris Rene just got out of rehab. He sings an original song, Young Homey, which is surprisingly decent. Nicole tells him he’s got the X Factor. Simon’s favorite feeling is when he’s sitting in that chair meeting a star for the first time.

Stay tuned to dingoRUE for another live recap of The X Factor Season 1 Episode 2, which airs Thursday at 8/7c on Fox.